I can't find my way home anymore

This summer has pretty much been hell for me. I wait all year for summer, and usually it's fucking amazing but this year I can honestly say it blows. This summer's also been pretty much the first time ever that I've started to despise myself. I've felt like shit before but I've never really hated or blamed myself. Now that's kind of what my entire summer has consisted of. And now it's at a point where ruining my own summer is yet another thing I have to blame myself for.

One of the things that make me hate myself is thinking about my relationship and the breakup. I've kind of realized that I had someone so amazing and I should've been so fucking thankful to have someone who loved me that much. When he broke up with me he cried so hard because he hated himself for doing that to me, but he just couldn't take being in that relationship anymore. But when I look back now, almost 4 months later, I don't even remember the shitty stuff he pulled. Cause all I remember is he doing some little thing and me starting fights because of that like a naggy ass bitch. I'm so pissed at myself for losing someone who put up with that shit.

Another thing I hate myself for has to do with the same guy. I have a friend who spoke to him a couple weeks ago and he asked her if I'd talked shit about him "cause I talk shit about everyone". I don't even know why but that hurt me so much and made me feel like such a jerk. And that's so weird that he still gets to me like that and makes me feel like such an asshole. And I used to like being mean, like I still do most of the time, when I don't remember that shitty stuff he said.

Idk I feel like everything's just a mess, I'm a mess, even this unnecessary blogpost is a mess. I don't know where I even tried to go with this, I guess I just wanted to write and get this shit off my chest.

He took the midnighttrain going anywhere <3

Yesterday an angel was taken from us way too soon. Cory Monteith. I'm kind of shocked about the effect it's had on me. I've been grieving the loss of him all day as if he was someone I knew well. I've been so sad.

I've been sad this whole summer pretty much though. Well not all summer, but for like 3 weeks now. The first few weeks of summer were all parties, friends, enjoying new life and getting over old love. Now it feels like I've (yet again) taken too many steps backwards. Grieving lost love, isolating myself, enjoying absolutely nothing. I'm scared nothing will ever get me out of this. Three years (or maybe even more) is far too long a time to be feeling like shit almost every day. I can't even remember exactly how long it's been or why it started. Maybe there is no reason, and no particular beginning. Maybe it grew on me, like a bad tumor. Sounds like a terrible comparison but depression is a sickness too. And if this isn't a sickness I'm even more scared. What is gonna happen to me if this doesn't ever stop...