I try everything to help them see me

I haven't felt invisible in years, if even ever... Yesterday I felt invisible. We were out and I was sober surrounded by my drunk friends. Most of the night I was still fun though, so not boring sober. But my friends still didn't see me at times. I guess one particular friend is the one I'm referring to. She has broken up with her boyfriend and now it seems like she's trying to start over in all ways. I tried to say something all night to her but everytime I said something she just didn't hear me/ignored me. Then she started calling one of my friends who I know was there, we just hadn't seen her in a while.. And then she just walked away. When that is happening with a friend all night you kinda get tired of it, and then it seems like everyone is kinda doing it. 

Everyone just really had someone else to be with than me. I left at 22.45 which is ridiculous. No one called or texted to see where I was.

 I have to admit I wanted to be somewhere else with someone else all night.

Some of my own edits

Maybe it's love because it hurts

...Maybe it's a war so I will fight

maybe you're always on my mind

because maybe it's you I'm trying to find

Fan vad jobbigt allt är

Vet jag säger det typ alltid

Inget annat nånsin

Tråk.

Känns att allt håller på att försvinna från mig

Allt, alla...

Har inga krafter kvar att göra nåt åt det heller

Skolan suger upp all min sista energi

Så att sånt kul

Vet inte vad jag ska göra längre

En bra sak

Eller vet inte om det påriktit är bra

Men iaf så har jag börjat ha mindre känslor än förr

Eller tjaa men alltså känner typ bara tomhet nu

Don't get me wrong, tomheten känns också

Men det är liksom mindre to deal with så att säga

Maybe we're sick cause we're unwell

Mina känslor har börjat ändras nu. Känner mej fortfarande ledsen som fan typ hela tiden, men på nåt sätt har det ändå ändrats. Jag är arg sååå ofta nu. Seriöst att må som jag mår önskar jag inte ens för min värsta fiende. För helvete vad det tär på en. Jag har en vän nu som har börjat känna sig typ som jag känner mig. Fan vad jag önskar att det går om för henne snabbt. Ingen förtjänar sånt här. Själv är jag lite van redan. Visserligen vill jag att det går om för mig också, men tror jag kommer ha väldigt svårt att känna igen lyckan när den väl kommer. Om den kommer.

I can't find my way home anymore

This summer has pretty much been hell for me. I wait all year for summer, and usually it's fucking amazing but this year I can honestly say it blows. This summer's also been pretty much the first time ever that I've started to despise myself. I've felt like shit before but I've never really hated or blamed myself. Now that's kind of what my entire summer has consisted of. And now it's at a point where ruining my own summer is yet another thing I have to blame myself for.

One of the things that make me hate myself is thinking about my relationship and the breakup. I've kind of realized that I had someone so amazing and I should've been so fucking thankful to have someone who loved me that much. When he broke up with me he cried so hard because he hated himself for doing that to me, but he just couldn't take being in that relationship anymore. But when I look back now, almost 4 months later, I don't even remember the shitty stuff he pulled. Cause all I remember is he doing some little thing and me starting fights because of that like a naggy ass bitch. I'm so pissed at myself for losing someone who put up with that shit.

Another thing I hate myself for has to do with the same guy. I have a friend who spoke to him a couple weeks ago and he asked her if I'd talked shit about him "cause I talk shit about everyone". I don't even know why but that hurt me so much and made me feel like such a jerk. And that's so weird that he still gets to me like that and makes me feel like such an asshole. And I used to like being mean, like I still do most of the time, when I don't remember that shitty stuff he said.

Idk I feel like everything's just a mess, I'm a mess, even this unnecessary blogpost is a mess. I don't know where I even tried to go with this, I guess I just wanted to write and get this shit off my chest.

He took the midnighttrain going anywhere <3

Yesterday an angel was taken from us way too soon. Cory Monteith. I'm kind of shocked about the effect it's had on me. I've been grieving the loss of him all day as if he was someone I knew well. I've been so sad.

I've been sad this whole summer pretty much though. Well not all summer, but for like 3 weeks now. The first few weeks of summer were all parties, friends, enjoying new life and getting over old love. Now it feels like I've (yet again) taken too many steps backwards. Grieving lost love, isolating myself, enjoying absolutely nothing. I'm scared nothing will ever get me out of this. Three years (or maybe even more) is far too long a time to be feeling like shit almost every day. I can't even remember exactly how long it's been or why it started. Maybe there is no reason, and no particular beginning. Maybe it grew on me, like a bad tumor. Sounds like a terrible comparison but depression is a sickness too. And if this isn't a sickness I'm even more scared. What is gonna happen to me if this doesn't ever stop...

All I need is you by my side

This is not me giving up after telling you I'm gonna fight about an hour ago. But change comes slow. Especially to me it seems. I've been feeling like this for so long. Being happily in love kind of took that all away somehow. We weren't even near perfect, but at least we were real and the fact that someone was in love with me was real. Oh, how I'd waited for that moment to come. Now I regret ever doubting him, doubting us. How much time I wasted secondguessing everything that was us. I wasted so many moments that could've been amazing moments. Moments where we could've been head over heels in love and actually could've enjoyed it. The worst feelings are the ones that have come now afterwards. The oh so famous could've-, would've-, should'ves. Those questions eat me alive and bury me somewhere deep behind the face of someone who's doing fine, moving on. I keep thinking what would have happened if I'd nagged a little less, been a little more adventureous, said those three words more often. I push aside all the things I deep down know he did wrong. Because maybe I could've saved us. Maybe I'm the bad one here. And I hate myself so much for putting myself in a position where I regret so much now.

You've got to get up and try

Jag är så pumped att få den här depressionen bort. För lång tid har jag tappat på detta helt i onödan. Under senaste tiden har jag kännt mig mer värdelös och oälskad än någonsin förut och det vill jag nu ändra på. #fightdepression !